I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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