Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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