woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
