Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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