I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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