I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
