What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
