i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
