how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
