a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
