Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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