Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
