just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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