Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
