Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
