I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
