I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
