it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
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