My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
