just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize