I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
