I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
