im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
