Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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