why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
