I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
