My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
