Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
