i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
