Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she told me i tasted like america
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
