Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just cropdusted the office
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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