if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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