I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
