Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
