glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize