haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize