there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My breasts were aching with rage.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
