this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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