I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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