Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
