Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
