You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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