I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
