There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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