Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
