I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
