we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
