I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
