So drunk its hurt
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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