i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
