I will die if light touches me.
I faked an abortion last night.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
