god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
