On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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