Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
