Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
