Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
