Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
