Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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