he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
